Feeling Alone.

The July Journal

For once I don’t really know how to starting writing this post. I do know that I am not writing this out of sympathy or for attention but more to see if there is someone else out there on the massive inter-webs who feel as though they are in the same position. Today has been spent stuffing my face with various foods that is definitely not healthy for the mind or body, apart from the banana at 2.34pm, and crying to endless Mario and Enrique songs and The Fault In Our Stars. It’s now nearly 7pm and I’m still crying and still feeling alone, lost and confused about everything.

I find it difficult to deal with social situations. Birthday parties lead to panic attacks. Plans changing lead to me worrying what have I done to upset/annoy this person. When I hear the word ‘group interview’ it will make me run a mile. The way I have spent tonight is what I have done for the past week or so. I end up crying because I don’t know who to talk to anymore, I don’t know who I can trust anymore but I don’t want to feel alone anymore. I just feel lost and confused about what my next steps should be.

I have always had a problem making friends. I look at Edd and his circle of friends, not out of jealous but as someone to look up to because he has been lucky enough to have friends for life. You know the ones who went through all their exams, their first girlfriends, engagements, the ups and downs of life. They plan weddings and big life decisions between themselves whereas I’ve had a completely different experience. I was the one who got laughed at for sitting by myself cause I didn’t know how to ‘fit in’ at school. I cried when I got my average GCSE results because I felt deep down that I failed and had no one there to tell me that I’ve done alright and everything will be okay. I’ve had no one to help me through the difficulties of previous relationships or big life decisions. In some respects, it has really shown how anxious I am as a person but in others it has given me some motivation to want to do something with my life.

Don’t get me wrong! I have Sabrina from my previous university but things aren’t the same living in different cities. Hannah, of course, was my best friend but when she past away that brought all my trust issues to the surface. If it weren’t for blogging, I’d probably spend most days sleeping and talking to the dogs. I probably wouldn’t even have Edd in my life. I’m lucky enough to have met some amazing and inspiring people over Twitter but I am far from having the confidence to meet up with them in the flesh if that opportunity ever arose. Sometimes this just isn’t enough though. All you really want is someone who you can call or text and ask if you can meet up.

I want someone who could come round with Ben & Jerry’s, watch endless episodes of Gossip Girl or countless Disney movies until all the ice cream is gone. I would like someone who can just talk to me about what to do when I have a disagreement with Edd, touch wood this never happens. Someone who is full of interesting facts and inspiring life stories.

At the moment, I am dropped out of university for the second time and currently on the look out for one of those average jobs, probably a waitress and shop assistant that will give me the ability to spend money on Lush Bath Bombs and various holidays to give me plenty of thinking space. I have even thought about changing my personality for a while but realised I haven’t got any plans to meet a large group of people at college or university anytime soon so I don’t see the point. I am who I am and I shouldn’t need to change that.

Like I said at the beginning I don’t know where this post is leading but really I just want to vent out on something where no one can judge me, not in person anyway. Your not going to be able to see me cry. Your not here to give me a hug or a shoulder to lean on but if anyone is willing to give me any advice on what my next steps should be that would be brill. Have you been in a similar situation before? Are you feeling the same as me where you are just needing a friend who you can talk to about who the next ‘A’ is in Pretty Little Liars? You may not have even read this post, not fully but if you have I would give you a thousand gold stars or Galaxy Golden Eggs and a massive hug for taking the time out to listen read.

I guess I just want a friend.

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  • I feel the EXACT SAME as you! I’ve always had trouble sustaining friendships & I just look at Luke who has the same group of friends he’s had since he started secondary school and I’m just amazed by it. I suppose the last time I had a friend was about two years ago when I was in college, I had a best best friend but then she got a boyfriend and my anxiety got REALLY bad and we just kind of drifted apart. I hate admitting it because it embarrasses me and makes me feel weak but I REALLY want a friend, like you said just to eat ice cream and watch to and just hang out with. If only we lived closer! X

    • I really wish we lived closer Lauren! It’s so horrible when you feel so low all the time! In a way it’s nice to know that I’m not alone but it’s just horrible when all you can do about the situation is cry xx

  • Hey there. I know it won’t really help, but trust me when I say you’re not alone in feeling like this. This doesn’t reflect on you as a person, and it doesn’t make you a bad human being. Friendships don’t come easily to everybody, including me, and I don’t think it’s something we should beat ourselves up about. I recently started CBT and it’s helped me with my anxiety SO much. I’ve gotten to a place where I just don’t worry about it any more, and when you take away the guilt and the blaming yourself, it just won’t seem as important. I don’t believe that this is forever, so have some faith in yourself. Take each day as it comes, and remember that you’re never really alone <3 x

    Martha Jane | http://www.marthajanemusic.com

    • Thank you for your kind words Martha, they mean a lot! A couple of people I know have gone through CBT and have said it’s helped them but I’m scared about making that step. I don’t want anyone to think less of me for talking about it but I feel as though I need to sort out my anxiety and everything xx

      • I know it’s a really scary step, and it took me years, but seeking help is the best thing I’ve ever done. I promise that medical professionals will NEVER think less of you. It’s their job to support and help you, and I’ve always been surprised by how welcoming and understanding they’ve been in the past. You’ve definitely got it in you to find your way out of this x

        • Thank you so much for the support Martha! :) xx

  • Hey lovely, I am sorry to hear you are feeling alone. I am also feeling pretty similar to you right about now and it is beyond difficult. Friendships can come and go but I like to think that it is the one’s who stay that are important. Your friend who lives in a different city may not be able to be there for you physically but I am sure she would be there for a chat whenever you needed. All of my friends are spread across the country from university and I know that when I feel like you are now, I just drop them all a text just to feel like I can talk to people and I am not completely alone. Just stay strong and always let your feelings known to anyone, even the blogging community :) I can see from the comments that there are already a few of us who feel the same so you’re not alone xo

    Emily | emsalice.com

    • Thanks Emily, I had a long chat with her the other day which made me feel so much better about everything. I have received so much support from the blogging community so it’s nice to know there’s always someone to talk to especially when a few of us are feeling the same way :) xx

  • Nadia Henderson

    So sorry you’re feeling low. I think many people find themselves in this situation…making friends is hard, and anxiety makes it even harder! The majority of the friends I have now are ones I’ve met through jobs. I’m in touch with one or two people from school but no one from uni. I think there’s a lot of pressure on people to have friends, where in reality it’s not so easy for various reasons. I would definitely consider looking into counselling of some sort to help with your anxiety – it’s scary at first but could really help you. A job would also help introduce you to new people, so it’s good that you’re looking for one. And please don’t change your personality! Any friends you’d make that way wouldn’t know the real you. In the short term, look to the loved ones you do have and try your hardest for that to be enough for now. Hope you feel better soon xxx

    • Thank you Nadia, I am definitely going to look at getting some support with my anxiety cause I think I just need some one to talk to about everything. I really hope I manage to find a job or something soon cause it will introduce me to new people so I communicate with others more :) xxx

  • I feel the exact same way. Anxiety sucks and its only recently that I’ve noticed how much its affected my life and ability to connect with people. I’m literally scared to get a new job even though I really need one. The thought of being a sales assistant literally makes me sick with anxiety or having to call people up at an office job, even though I’ve done these jobs before. And I know I can do them. I’m so dependent on my other half its unreal.

    As for friends, all of them are online, I have one friend but we seem like different people now then we did a few years ago. I just can’t seem to muster up the courage to meet new people or to meet ppl irl that I know online. It saddens me. We both live in Newcastle. We should grab a bubble tea or something and have a good nosy around Primark one day and just chill. <3 that would be nice.

    you are not alone, don't ever be someone your not. And we can fight through this! xo

    Jess | http://www.italktogh0sts.blogspot.co.uk

    • It’s nice to see another blogger from Newcastle! It seems like you in the exact same position as me and I’m always up for a browse around Primark and bubble tea, it would be nice to just meet someone who understands exactly what I’m going through. I rely on my other half far too much and I am worried in case it gets too much for him because he has his own life to lead too xx

  • nicole

    This made me really sad! It felt like I was reading my own thoughts! You are not alone lovely! I am in the extact same position. If I didn’t blog I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to! I love my best friend but apart from her I don’t talk to any one! I am an introvert, hate going out, hate parties, I don’t drink- basically I don’t like the teen I am suppose to be! Which makes it hard to make friends! If you ever want to chat lovely I am always here x

    Thrifty vintage fashion

    • Thank you Nicole, hopefully we can get through this together! :) xx